Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
