yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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