i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
