I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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