Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
