I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
