if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
