She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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