Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
