Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
