I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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