they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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