Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
