...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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