Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
