Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
