dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Less talking, more tequila
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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