in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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