Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
