The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
