It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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