we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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