I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
