Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
