I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize