Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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