My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
