my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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