and she was petting her beer can
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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