If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize