i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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