i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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