you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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