he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You are a booty call, not a friend.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
