I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
