Betty ford says i'm here all night
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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