Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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