My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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