woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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