I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
