quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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