She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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