I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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