Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
