dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
