Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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