that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
