i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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