Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
