I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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