nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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