I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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