I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
