first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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