I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
