dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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