The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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