i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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