You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
