In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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