mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
